Saturday, February 18, 2006
I say it's about durn time we perpetual singles went against the grain. No more getting sick when you pass those chocolate-heart displays at the supermarket. No more wanting to strangle the deliveryboy when he brings a giant vase of flowers for somebody ELSE. No more being the victim!! Why should the couples have all the fun???
My single friend, following are some tips I humbly submit to you. (Disclaimer: I am kidding, of course. If you actually try any of these ideas, I ain't gonna be held responsible...)
LIVING WITH BLACK TUESDAY
1. After the deliveryboy drops off those giant flowers at somebody's desk at work, have your lasso ready and rope the dude. Pin him down and demand to know where YOUR flowers are. (Just make sure your boss isn't watching...)
2. If the deliveryboy is really cute, untie him and invite him to coffee.
3. If you're no good at roping, try firing missiles. Grab some chocolate hearts... aim... and FIRE. The deliveryboy has been conquered.
4. If that doesn't work, drive to the flower shop and let the air out of the deliveryboy's tires. If you can't get flowers, NO ONE can...
5. Distribute antacid tablets at work. Surely everyone will need help digesting all that chocolate.
ALTERNATIVES TO BLACK TUESDAY
1. Move to California, open a tire shop, and celebrate Valley Tires Day.
2. Distribute half-eaten watermelons at work, in celebration of Melon-Rinds Day.
3. Tie orange peels around your neck, in celebration of Smellin-Rinds Day.
4. Go to the park. Celebrate Flying-Kites Day.
5. Go to the DPS and pay any outstanding tickets. No sense in celebrating Dodging-Fines Day.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Tons of chocolate.
I had a great v-day, actually. Here are the highlights:
*At work I was in charge of watching two classes, which equals approximately 40 kids. You're right, having to coordinate 40+ kids in storing backpacks, jackets and lunches, as well as bathroom time wasn't so great. But sitting and watching movies for over 3 hours was nice.
*I had about 18 valentines this year ((( I have 22 kids, but one was absent and a few were cheap . . . ;o) ))). I got a lot of the usual cheesy dollar store valentines glassware, a few cutesy small stuffed animals, two very nice vanilla candles, a McDonald's giftcard, two roses (one real, one fake), and TONS of chocolate. One girl gave me a box of Ferrero Rocher chocolates. Mmm.....And my dad gave me half a one pound box of Godiva chocolates*. Double mmm......
*I spent the evening watching Bridget Jones's Diary, drinking wine, and attempting to eat half a pound of assorted chocolates. But I was defeated; I gave up after about 6 pieces. *sigh* Thanks to the wine I had a great night's sleep, though. And my trainer helped me work off most of the extra calories Wednesday evening
That was basically my v-day. It may sound dull to some of you wild and crazy folks, but I enjoyed myself. It's great to be at a place of peace and contentment in my singleness. But I'll save that topic for another day.
*Dad said Mom and I have to share the box of chocolates. Figures.
Monday, February 13, 2006
I had hoped to post more witty and clever SAD posts to match last years,' but life has not afforded the time. So, I leave you with a repost from last year(with a few minor adjustments):
Keys to surviving SAD...
Are you a single woman who has found yourself alone on Valentine's Day? Need help? Look no further!
Here's what you need:
*an empty house/apartment/room with a vcr/dvd player
*an exercise video/DVD
*2-5 bags of chocolates, fruit chews, Twizzlers, or sweets of your choice
*favorite pet or stuffed animals
*two movies - one romantic comedy (such as Return to Me, Sleepless in Seattle, Love Actually, etc) and one girl-power movie (like Bridget Jones' Diary, Legally
Blonde, Supergirl, etc)
*a box of Kleenex
Here's what you do:
1. It's Valentine's Day, but for you it's become Single Awareness Day as you find yourself alone and dateless. First, embrace it!
2. Enter your house/apartment/room. Lock the doors, close the curtains, and silence the cell phone (it's better to let your parents' leave a message than to have to dodge their incessant questioning on yet another dateless v-day).
3. Insert the sappy movie into the vcr/dvd player.
4. While viewing the film, munch on the 1-2 bags of sweets.
5. Tears may begin to flow as feelings of loneliness and depression overwhelm you, so cuddle with your pet/stuffed animals for comfort (but don't squeeze Fluffy so hard that his eyes pop 0ut) and use generous amounts of Kleenex to remove all unnecessary traces of tears and snot.
6. After two hours of this, you'll need a lift - insert the girl-power movie into the vcr/dvd player.
7. As you watch the power-flick, soak up the positive energy from the strong, independent women. ((Or at least picture Supergirl punching the lights out of that gorgeous guy who will never ask you out.))
8. Eat another bag or two of sweets. You're da woman! Be confident and comfortable with who you are! Love the curves you have developed over the years! You don't need a man to boost your self-worth -- heck no!
9. As you come down from your sugar high, depression may begin to fall again, especially when the movie comes to an end and you see Bridget happily hook up with Mr. Darcy and Elle with Everett. Resist it! Stop the movie if you must!
10. Insert the exercise video to boost endorphins and in an effort to burn a hundredth of the thousands of calories you've ingested throughout the evening.
11. Halfway through the exercise video you may begin to feel light-headed or have trouble breathing; perhaps there's a pain in your side and a burning in your lungs, not to mention the world's worst stomachache.
12. Crawl into the nearest bed or couch, or just collapse on the floor if you could go no farther; cuddle with your pet/stuffed animals (again, don't squeeze too hard), and open your bible to Isaiah 58 -- it's time to start fasting!
You will soon realize we need God's help to become the inwardly strong and confident women we were created to be . . . or at least, hopefully, you'll have this revelation before you pass out due to over-exertion following the excessive sugar intake; in other words, before you slip into a sugar coma.
"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Sorry it's been so long since I've contributed. Things have been hectic, especially around the holidays. Recently I've been getting over a stomach bug.
But in between all the busy spots, I've seemed to develop more opinionated, er, opinions. So hopefully they'll materialize into blog entries soon. :) Also hopefully, Black Tuesday is just around the corner... Perhaps I'll post something holiday appropriate. (Or holiday rebellious? therapeutic? sticking-out-your-tongue-at-and-going-pppppffft!!?? We shall see.)
See you then!