Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage . . . They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion.
~Psalm 84:5

Saturday, February 18, 2006

In Memory of Black Tuesday

Having a hard time because everyone except you had someone to celebrate Valentine's Day with? Do you find yourself scheduling an appointment with your therapist every February 15th because you wake up with a self-pity hangover from the day before?

I say it's about durn time we perpetual singles went against the grain. No more getting sick when you pass those chocolate-heart displays at the supermarket. No more wanting to strangle the deliveryboy when he brings a giant vase of flowers for somebody ELSE. No more being the victim!! Why should the couples have all the fun???

My single friend, following are some tips I humbly submit to you. (Disclaimer: I am kidding, of course. If you actually try any of these ideas, I ain't gonna be held responsible...)

1. After the deliveryboy drops off those giant flowers at somebody's desk at work, have your lasso ready and rope the dude. Pin him down and demand to know where YOUR flowers are. (Just make sure your boss isn't watching...)
2. If the deliveryboy is really cute, untie him and invite him to coffee.
3. If you're no good at roping, try firing missiles. Grab some chocolate hearts... aim... and FIRE. The deliveryboy has been conquered.
4. If that doesn't work, drive to the flower shop and let the air out of the deliveryboy's tires. If you can't get flowers, NO ONE can...
5. Distribute antacid tablets at work. Surely everyone will need help digesting all that chocolate.

1. Move to California, open a tire shop, and celebrate Valley Tires Day.
2. Distribute half-eaten watermelons at work, in celebration of Melon-Rinds Day.
3. Tie orange peels around your neck, in celebration of Smellin-Rinds Day.
4. Go to the park. Celebrate Flying-Kites Day.
5. Go to the DPS and pay any outstanding tickets. No sense in celebrating Dodging-Fines Day.

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