Did you ever get the feeling that God's grace in your life is sort of shifting, so to speak? like there seemed to be so much grace available to do one thing, & suddenly it seems that grace is running out while grace in another area seems to be more plentiful? I'm pretty sure that's what I experienced a year & a half ago when I was deciding to move from Waco to Odessa.
I write about this now because I think I'm having another graceshift. That new job I started at the local newspaper doesn't seem to be working out like I hoped it would (I smell a pink slip around the corner), & in the process I've been evaluating life in Odessa & what it means to be a part of things here. On one hand, I enjoy living with my parents (well, OK, it isn't hunky-dory all the time, like when Mom is chasing me around the house getting me to strip so she can toss my clothes in the wash :">). It's economical, I don't necessarily have to travel anywhere for holidays, & I like being around to help during major events (e.g., giving Mom a ride in my car to take the poodle to the vet, even though the poodle wants to bark so bad she could explode).
On the other hand, I seem to be having a somewhat traumatic time with a supervisor at work, for the 2nd job in a row in this town. (Last fall, I quit a job after the boss confronted me on some issues & I didn't have time to think of a way to say things nicely & I made her cry. I'm really not a scary person, honest!! 8-} ) One of my supervisors at the paper tends to treat her people like crap. Rather, the folks in her department who have worked there for less than a year tend to get treated like crap. The people who have worked with her longer tend to actually get positive reinforcement. Don't get me wrong -- this supervisor can be a nice person, & she is very knowledgeable. But there seems to be a sort of double standard & contradiction in the way she does things that remind me a lot of the mannerisms of my previous weepy boss.
I am compelled to believe that business practices in Odessa are rooted in nepotism & an unspoken set of rules that must be ingrained into a newcomer if the newcomer is to survive here. Meaning that if you ain't one of the good ol' boys, you ain't nothin.'
So this time around, at the newspaper, I think God wants me to respond differently than I did at my previous job. I believe my instructions are to not say anything. Even though I want to grab my sup by the throat & tell her exactly what she can do with her nepotism, perhaps I should walk in self-control & not casually toss my pearls to the swine.
Or maybe Jesus just wants me to be a little more like Him. Every time I watch
The Passion of the Christ, I'm reminded of how sometimes Jesus just didn't say anything in response to His accusers. He, of all people, had a perfectly legitimate right to put His persecutors in their place & really let 'em have it. How dare the Son of God be treated so horribly.
And then there were times when He did respond (with really good answers, too), but the people He spoke to just didn't get it. Why did Jesus remain silent? and why didn't the people get it when He did speak? and why didn't He grab His persecutors by their throats & give them what they deserved?
I dunno. It's a mystery, I guess. I think it's all wrapped up in God's mercy, truth, & a love which we are getting dim glimpses of now, but boy when we see Him face to face someday, I'm sure we'll be wonderfully overwhelmed by that love.
Maybe in the midst of all this, I'll get to know more about His love. That's what I'm hoping for.
In the meantime, during this potential graceshift, I'm looking to keep my options open jobwise. This weekend, I hope to embark on a trip to the Metroplex to pursue a job that opened up there. Maybe I'll make a move. Or maybe it'll be back to the drawing board when the trip is over. Or maybe the Metroplex will have its OWN set of rules & yet ANOTHER trying job that'll have me on the carpet & heading for the Kleenex.
Sigh, I guess this is just part of following Jesus. He leads, we follow. Kleenex or no Kleenex. But it's all worth it. :)
