Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage . . . They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion.
~Psalm 84:5

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Keys to surviving SAD...

Are you a single woman who has found yourself alone on Valentine's Day? Need help? Look no further!

Here's what you need:
*an empty house/apartment/room with a vcr/dvd player
*an exercise video
*2-5 bags of chocolates, fruit chews, Twizzlers, or sweets of your choice
*favorite pet or stuffed animals
*two movies - one romantic comedy (such as Return to Me, Sleepless in Seattle, Love Actually, etc) and one girl-power movie (like Bridget Jones' Diary, Legally Blonde,
Supergirl, etc)
*a box of Kleenex
*a Bible

Here's what you do:
1. It's Valentine's Day, but for you it's become Single Awareness Day as you find yourself alone and dateless. First, embrace it!
2. Enter your house/apartment/room. Lock the doors and close the curtains.
3. Insert the sappy movie into the vcr/dvd player.
4. While viewing the film, munch on 1-2 bags of sweets.
5. Tears may begin to flow as feelings of loneliness and depression overwhelm you, so cuddle with your pet/stuffed animals for comfort (but don't squeeze Fluffy so hard that his eyes pop out) and use generous amounts of Kleenex to remove all unnecessary traces of tears and snot.
6. After two hours of this, you'll need a lift - insert the girl-power movie into the vcr/dvd player.
7. As you watch the power-flick, soak up the positive energy from the strong, independent women. Or at least picture Supergirl punching the lights out of that gorgeous guy who will never ask you out.
8. Eat another bag or two of sweets. You're da woman! Be confident and comfortable with who you are! Love the curves you have developed the years! You don't need a man to boost your self-worth -- heck no!
9. As you come down from your sugar high, you may begin to feel depressed again, especially when the movie comes to an end and you see Bridget happily hook up with Mr. Darcy and Elle with Everett. Resist it! Stop the movie if you must.
10. Insert the exercise video to boost endorphins and in an effort to burn a hundredth of the thousands of calories you've ingested throughout the evening.
11. By the end of the video you may begin to feel light-headed or have trouble beathing; perhaps there's a pain in your side and a burning in your lungs, not to mention the world's worst stomachache.
12. Crawl into the nearest bed or couch, cuddle with your pet/stuffed animals (again, don't squeeze too hard) and open your bible to Isaiah 58 -- it's time to start fasting!
You realize we need God's help to become the inwardly strong and confident women we were created to be . . . or at least, hopefully, you'll have this revelation before you pass out due to over-exertion following the excessive sugar intake.

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."
Proverbs 31:30

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