Singlehood: Unsuccessful Set-ups

I gotta tell ya these funny stories about unsuccessful attempts at matchmaking in my family.

A couple of years ago, my dad was in a local theater production. The cast included a young gal whom my dad thought might be a good match for my single cousin. So my cousin drove down for the performance and met the girl, but unfortunately it didn't work out. My parents and I were talking about it one day, and we were especially intrigued by the whole situation since this was the first time my dad had ever tried to set up anyone. "She's such a nice girl," Dad observed, "I just didn't want her to go to waste." My ears perked up. "Wait a minute," I replied, "are you saying that women who stay single just go to waste, like a leftover piece of pizza?? I am not a leftover piece of pizza!!" My mom was listening from the kitchen, and she concurred, "She's not a piece of pizza." We all got a good laugh that day.

More recently, my mom and sister walked in the door one evening and announced that Sis wanted to set me up with one of her co-workers, a 30-year-old single guy who was "sweet" and would probably be good for me. I know Sis meant well, but I admit I was mildly offended, mainly since the suggested gentleman was all but a complete stranger. And I wasn't all that impressed with his basic description. But he and I were never introduced. A few days later, I accompanied my parents to a job-related function of my sister's. Mom pointed out Sis' co-workers from far away and identified which one was the suggested bachelor. To me, it seemed that he had issues with spastic gum-chewing and did a sloppy job shaving that morning. But mom kept subtly encouraging me. However, later in the evening, somebody presented the bachelor with what appeared to be a set of paper plates and announced that when they spent Thanksgiving with him, they realized that he didn't use real plates. He laughingly concurred, "That's right! I never use real plates!" Mom kept a polite smile, but I sensed tension. She leaned over to me and whispered, "HE DOESN'T USE REAL PLATES." Interestingly, I did not receive further encouragement regarding the aforementioned bachelor.

Surely Sis should know by now how picky I am. Apparently, so is Mom...